I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
