he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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