we're blogging at a bar
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
