She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Everyone says I win the strip club
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
