Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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