everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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