apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize