We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
