You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
