And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
