In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
