You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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