pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
