i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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