You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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