Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
