Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
