I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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