OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
