She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
