remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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