remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You are the jesus of drinking
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
