i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
