I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
