oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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