I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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