He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
