Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
