haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
