Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
