The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
