I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
