Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
