That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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