its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
