I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
