not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
