drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just high enough for therapy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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