Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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