i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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