If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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