I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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