I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
