I'm jealous of your bromance
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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