Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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