I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.