How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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