my phone needs a breathalizer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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