I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
