She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
