I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
