i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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