why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
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A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
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Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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