She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
