I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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