Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
