A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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