I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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