you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
