My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
