Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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