I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
