I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
