Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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